Friday, March 14, 2014

Broken Blood

From what I understand, this whole Fearless Friday link-up is based around the idea of posting a topic that one would otherwise be afraid to due to possible backlash or shame.  Well I have a subject that I have been tip-toeing around which has given me a surprising amount of writers block, and this is the perfect opportunity to get it off my chest. 

Fact: when one of your best friends says to you, “You can tell me anything!” she absolutely means it.  However, she does not mean that you should attack her character or insult her.  What she means by “anything” is that time you lost your wallet in Vegas so you decided to do some strange for some change to earn a plane ticket home, or the body you buried that summer you were 19 and accidently hit that guy with your car.  What she doesn’t want you to say is something that will break her, because her feelings will get hurt, and most likely you are being a huge bitch anyway.  If you do say something insensitive, and you do end up hurting her, do not throw the whole “You told me I could tell you anything!” card in her face, that’s just rude.

I know these things from personal (recent) experience.  Unfortunately this friend who took advantage of my invitation to be honest with me happened to be my sister. Yup, my own flesh and blood.  Its one thing that she hurt me by attacking my character and making me feel horrible about myself, and has yet to apologize, but after what she said I know I can no longer trust her. Even if she did apologize or even take back what was said, I would never be able to be in the same room as her without feeling extremely uncomfortable. Every time I speak Ill be hoping I’m saying the right thing, or wonder weather or not she’s judging me. 

This is actually a gaping wound in my heart that won’t heal.  I can’t fix it, she doesn’t care to fix it, and I feel like I have lost a huge part of myself.  The part of myself that identified with my sisterhood.  I am so sad everyday, and I feel more alone then ever.  I've lost my best friend.  There is nothing I can do.  I wish I never met her for coffee that day.



  1. OMG this made me cry. I dont even know you or know the situation. My heart breaks for you!! It truly does. My sister is my everything and I never want to imagine my life without her. I cant imagine where you go from here, I wish I could tell you it will get better but that is a whole that never fills again. That trust and bond doesnt just "come back" and losing that has got to be heartbreaking. I am so sorry, I truly am. I know writing about it helps it hurt a little less...continue to share, please....good luck and Im thinking of you!

  2. Maybe your sister was just trying to let you know how your behavior was affecting other people so that you would have the opportunity to fix it if you wanted to. Sometimes we don't realize how we come across to other people until someone clues us in, and that can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. How would a person know that they were being self-centered if they were only focused on their own feelings and not the feelings of others when they behave in selfish ways? If you're going to pressure someone into being honest about why they were giving you some space, and especially if you are accusing them of being a bad friend for never calling to hang out, you have to be prepared for an honest answer. Sometimes it's easier to go through life without assuming that people are attacking you all the time, and realize that most people are actually trying to help you. Being sensitive to the point that people have to tip-toe around you for fear of saying something that might traumatize you and destroy the relationship isn't really healthy. I wonder how many times since that coffee shop talk you have attacked her and deliberately tried to hurt her for no other reason than out of spite? It's always wise to look at the intent behind somebody's actions to find the true source of their heart. I'd be willing to put money on the fact that your sister has always cared about you and has shown you multiple times in the past how much she loves you by all the things she has done for you. Like the time she took off work to help you move out to Fresno. Or the time that she dropped everything to come see you in SLO after she found out about an emergency that had happened with you. Or the time she bought you flowers for mother's day. Or the time she wrote a heated and lengthy letter defending you to the people who were trying to get dad to kick you out. Or the period of time that she spent every free moment she had to spend with you while you were going through a very difficult break up. Or the time she got your ears pierced for your birthday. Or the time that she has stuck up for you every time your dad was "venting" to her about you.
    It's just a hunch, but I have a feeling that your sister isn't the horrible monster that you make her out to be on your very public blog. And I'd be willing to bet that should would never write about such a personal issue with you on her own blog, especially not without the opportunity for you to defend yourself.